The freedom to err

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You may have noticed that yesterday, I made a mistake.

No one was hurt and few probably cared. But for me, the realization — that I had pasted yesterday’s post three times and hadn’t fixed the typo — sent a jolt through my body, as fierce as lightning.

At once, I felt the dreaded pang of fear pierce my body — with its sharp, sudden, visceral heat.

It’s a feeling I know well.

It comes, at times — usually when I think I’ve forgotten something important, or that I’ve missed a class, though that’s something I don’t do.

I brace for the scolding that never comes. I dread the punishment I learned to give myself as a kid — to let myself know — I’ve been bad.

But when reflected upon, such experiences allow me to learn from my childhood, as I recall the incredibly high expectations that were part of my upbringing.

These experiences also help me have greater empathy for my students and clients.

For we are people who often set goals and hold standards for ourselves — that are incredibly high and practically unreachable. We too often expect perfection, the only thing we will never achieve.

Thankfully, finally… I’m learning to remember something else.

The immensity of what I feel, and the amount I learn from mistakes like this — cannot allow me to forget the relative insignificance of the event itself. Calling it an “error,” when so much is gained, seems worth changing, as well.

The impact that the “mistake” had on my body, heart, and mind — when unexamined — can lead me to believe that the action itself was bigger than it was.

Because the fear felt was so strong, the pain recalled so unpleasant, and the negative effects so easy to imagine… it’s easy to forget the relative lack of importance of what caused it all.

In the past, these patterns led me to give up. To not even try.

The feeling of being “bad” and the need to apologize for being “wrong,” are things I used to do anything to avoid.

The problem was (and still is) — the only way to avoid those fears — was to stop showing up. To keep playing small. To hide.

And so that is what I have done. Over and over. Year after year.

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And that is the change I must now make. That is what must stop.

I want to be done allowing this fear of making mistakes — to determine the actions I take.

I want to be done allowing this fear to cause me to rebel against my self-imposed deadlines — just so that I can be the teenager I never got to be. The one who was irresponsible, could make mistakes, or was simply “late.”

It’s thanks to the error I made yesterday – that I get to learn from this.

It’s thanks to my peers and coaches – that I can see it in this way.

It’s thanks to my students and clients – that I learn to be more brave. And to have more compassion for myself and others.

May we walk through this time, growing and supporting one another, as we become the magical beings we were born to be.

May we help one another learn from what life wants to teach us. May we do it with love and grace. May we learn to shine. Together.